"Snail's Pace Productions Pleasant Facade Estates The Bizzy Buddies
The Night Before Christmas humorous illustrated story featuring The Bizzy Buddies writer illustrator Vuja Day
SCENE 1
THE UNIVERSE - INFINITY
God Almighty and The Devil Himself are playing a friendly game of poker.
Things start to get somewhat contentious when The Devil Himself starts making fun of one of God Almighty's creations
DEVIL:
Y'know, God, those
humans that you
created... they are
some of the absolute
DUMBEST creatures
in the universe.
GOD:
(insulted)
What do you mean?
I made them in my
image and likeness!
DEVIL:
That's EXACTLY what
I mean!
DEVIL:
Those idiots will
believe ANYTHING!
GOD:
Like what?
DEVIL:
Like the earth is
round.
GOD:
But it is.
DEVIL:
That's beside the
point.
GOD:
I give them the
FREEDOM to believe
what they want to
believe
DEVIL:
Yeah, but they're too
stupid to value that.
freedom.
GOD:
Oh, I have hope
for humanity. They're
not as dumb as they
seem.
DEVIL:
Oh yeah? I'll wager
you a bet. I'll tell you
what... I'll raise you
a double.
DEVIL
The problem is, they're too stupid to value that freedom.
DEVIL
I'll tell you what... I'll raise you a double
GOD:
(chuckling)
OK... you're on.
I can't resist
a good gamble.
Lord I hope those
idiots don't screw
up!
TAMMY:
... and we haven't even
left the garage yet!
Chuckling maniacally, Tommy drives the car out of the garage...
... and straight into the mailbox!
TOMMY:
(screaming)
Aaaack!!! What idiot
put that mailbox
there?!
TAMMY:
YOU did when we
bought the house
three years ago!
TOMMY:
(dismissively)
Eh! I'll fix it later.
SCENE 2
EXT. HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Barely out into the driveway and 17-year old Leaza is complaining already.
LEAZA:
Why do we have to go...
her house always makes
me sneeze!
>
>
TAMMY:
Because it's the civil
thing to do... respect
for your elders.
LEAZA:
Well she's not MY
grandmother!
TAMMY:
Well she's Tommy's
mother and it's very
important we present
a united front
as a family unit.
TOMMY:
Because if we don't go,
she'll write me out of
the will, that's why!
Restless 6-year old Littler unlatches her carseat and pops her head out the sunroof!
LITTLER:
(shrieking)
I love going to Grand
Ma's house!!
TOMMY:
Littler, sit down!
Littler's two older brothers, Timmy and Barley, pull her down into the car seat.
TAMMY:
My, my my...
look at all of those
campaign signs!
TAMMY:
How much did all of
THAT cost?
TOMMY:
(smiling smugly)
That's what campaign
money is for.
Littler pops her head out of the sunroof again. Her brothers pull her back down again.
Tammy continues to pout about Tommy's campaign expenditures.
TAMMY:
(huffily)
You could've used that money to buy ME something.
TOMMY:
I'm ALWAYS buying you something.
Tammy bats her eyelashes at her husband.
TAMMY:
Like you said "That's what campaign money is for".
Tommy and Tammy chuckle conspiratorially at some shared "joke".
The two brothers are in the backseat, trying (in vain) to pull Littler down from the sunroof.
TAMMY:
(irked)
LITTLER! Get in your seat now!
Tommy resorts to threats...
TOMMY:
A big hawk is gonna
grab you by the head and
carry you away!
Littler SCREAMS and plops back down in the car.
They continue driving through the streets of Pleasant Facade Estates, marveling at the plethora of campaign signs...
BARLEY:
(facetiously)
Well, that's quite an impact on the environment.
TIMMY:
Uh, dad, don't you think you have a few too many signs out there?
TOMMY:
"One" can never have too many campaign signs!
TAMMY:
(pouting)
Except when you could've bought ME something with that money!
TAMMY:
How much DID they cost anyway?
BARLEY:
Isn't this all against the Home Owner's Association rules?
TOMMY:
(smugly)
Well since I am President of the Pleasant Facade Estates Home Owners Association, I do get special privileges. After all, they get valuable exposure from me.
BARLEY:
(muttering)
Exposure to what...
TOMMY:
You don't think I put up with that miserable bunch of morons out of the goodness of my altruistic heart, do you? It's give and take...
Tommy pauses to chuckle derisively
TOMMY:
Mostly take.
Tommy looks in his rearview mirror and suddenly slams on the brakes!
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAAaaack!!!!
TAMMY:
(frantic)
What?! WHAT?!?!
Tommy thrusts the car into reverse and screeches backwards.
Tommy slams the car backward full-speed into a campaign sign... belonging to the opposing party!
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAaccck!!
Tommy rolls the car over the opponent's sign...
He rolls the car forward and backward...
And when that's not enough...
he gets out of the car...
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAAaaackkkk!
TAMMY:
What are you doing?!
crushing and smashing the sign to smithereens!
LITTLER:
Daddy! Get back in the car!
Tommy Tuckus smashes the sign to bits.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAAaaaaackkkk!!!!!
Tommy stops stomping on the sign and jumps into the car.
Tammy and the kids are in shock.
TIMMY:
Dad... you knocked down the sign on the gate too.
TOMMY:
That's okay. I'm President of the Pleasant Facade Estates Home Owner's Association. I get those kind of privileges.
TOMMY:
I have a surprise for everyone!
LITTLER:
oooohh!
Littler squeals loudly in delight.
Tammy groans loudly in dread.
TAMMY:
How can I be any MORE surprised...
Tammy reacts to something she sees.
TAMMY:
Good God in heaven... what's THAT?!
TOMMY:
(proudly)
THAT's the surprise!
BARLEY:
(incredulous)
THAT?!
TIMMY:
Cool!
T0MMY:
(proudly)
My new campaign billboard!
Timmy reads the sign aloud.
TIMMY:
"I will do anything for you"...???
BARLEY:
Doesn't that sound kind of "groveling"?
TAMMY:
That picture is over 15 years old!
LEAZA:
Yeah, you don't have a hairy old face.
TOMMY:
Facial hair puts voters off, so I've been told.
TAMMY:
Ineptitude and corruption puts voters off too... so I've been told.
TIMMY:
Then why don't you just shave?
TOMMY:
Are you kidding?! I HATE shaving! I refuse to shave for anyone or anything.
TAMMY:
So instead of shaving, you spend a fortune on billboards with a 15-year old picture of you on it.
BARLEY:
(cynically)
With a campaign promise you've already broken.
TOMMY:
(chuckling)
Yeah, but I do look younger.
LITTLER:
Yeah, you look ALOT better on that sign Dad!
EXT. DRIVING - AFTERNOON
They pass the cemetery...
BARLEY:
(pensively)
There's the cemetery.
LITTLER:
Oooh I love all the beautiful trees!
TIMMY:
I love cemeteries! I love that the cemetery is right next to Grand Ma's house.
TOMMY:
Yeah, it means we won't have to drag her far.
Tammy punches Tommy's arm.
EXT. DRIVING - AFTERNOON
TIMMY:
I love going to Grand Ma's house!
TOMMY:
She belittles people.
She's a belittling, conniving, cunning ...
TAMMY:
Okay okaaay...
T0MMY:
She's a belittler
LITTLER:
That's why I love her
so much, she wants
to be Littler just like ME!
T0MMY:
She's a baaaad influence...
look what happened to ME!
TAMMY:
I just hope I can go the afternoon without getting cat hair in my mouth!
TOMMY:
You know what they say... where's there's a WILL there's a WAY...
Tammy punches Tommy's arm again and they laugh.
SCENE 2
EXT. MA's HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Tommy Tuckus and his family arrive at his mother's house.
TOMMY:
Oh no!!
TAMMY:
Now what?!
TOMMY:
(loudly groaning)
My mother! My own mother!!
TAMMY:
What?! What?!
TOMMY:
What a betrayal!
TAMMY:
What?! What?!
TOMMY:
(disgusted)
My mother the traitor!
Tommy furiously jumps out of the car.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAaaackkk!!!
Tommy storms angrily over to the sign.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAaaackkk!!!
Tommy angrily attacks the sign as his family looks on in horror.
Tammy jumps out of the car!
Tammy wrestles and drags Tommy by the collar.
Tommy continues flailing and screaming angrily.
Tammy drags Tommy up the path to his mother's house.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAaaackkk!!
TAMMY:
(screaming)
Calm down you idiot!
The kids scramble out of the car and join their parents on the front porch.
Littler rings the doorbell at her favorite Grand Ma's house.
Ma Tuckus opens the door.
MA:
(chirpily)
Oh hi everyone!
Littler gives her Grand Ma a hug.
LITTLER:
I'm so happy to see you Grand Ma!
MA:
You are my special sweetie!
MA:
Everyone, tell Pierre how cute he looks in his hat.
MA:
He didn't want to wear it.
TOMMY:
Whaaa...?
SCENE 3
INT. MA's HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Tommy bangs on the door.
The door bursts open!
TOMMY:
(angry)
My own mother!
MA:
(sweetly)
Ooops. I didn't see you out there.
TAMMY:
He's mad because you have Troy's sign in the yard.
MA:
(annoyed)
Oh for crying out loud!
Brothers... and TWINS
at that!
TOMMY:
Fraternal! Big difference.
Different egg.
TOMMY:
Speaking of eggs...
I'm starved!
Tommy strides across the room.
TOMMY:
Where's the food?!
MA:
Everyone! Tell Pierre
how cute he looks! He
didn't want to wear
his hat today.
Everyone (except for Tommy) rushes forward to fawn over Pierre.
MA:
(giddy)
Everyone! Tell Pierre how adorable he looks!
Tommy heads down the hallway toward the kitchen.
He stops to admire a photo of himself hanging on the wall...
... when suddenly he is distracted by a photo of his brother Troy!
Enraged, Tommy attacks the photo of his brother...
... just as Pierre wanders down the hall...
Tommy's own photo is knocked askew in the attack...
... which he reverently straightens...
And as he backs up to admire himself,
...Pierre gets tangled up in Tommy's feet!
...Just as Ma arrives to find out what the commotion is....
MA:
(screaming)
What are you doing
to Pierre?!
As Tommy stumbles around the hallway...
MA:
Oh for crying out loud!
Tommy continues stomping off to the kitchen.
SCENE 4
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Tommy enters the cat-filled kitchen.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
AAAAaaaack!!!
MA:
Oh for God's sake
now what?
Tommy gingerly steps through the kitchen.
TOMMY:
This is like navigating
a mine field!
MA:
Watch out! Watch out!!
A chaotic cat scene ensues...
MA:
Trixie! Trixie!! Get down!
MA:
(screaming)
Look out!! You're going
to step on Charlie!!
Ma chases after the cats.
MA:
Come here baby, I won't
let the big bad monster
get you!
TOMMY:
What's to eat? I'm starved!
MA:
Don't eat anything on the top shelf. That's all cat food.
TOMMY:
How much do you spend on cat food?!
MA:
Oh, about two and a half Spitcoin a month...
TOMMY:
Spitcoin?
MA:
Yes Spitcoin. I buy such huge pallets of cat food every month that I pay for it in cryptic currency. I buy it on the Deepest Darkest Web... that's where all the good deals are.
TOMMY:
(aghast)
You know about things like the Deepest Darkest Web... ??
MA:
Of course I know about the Deepest Darkest Web.
TOMMY:
And you pay for all this cat food with Spitcoin??
MA:
Cryptic Currency, yes. That darling little boy in your neighborhood Cosmo Szabo, he set me up with a cryptic currency wallet. He's very smart, that one.
TOMMY:
So you're telling me the 11-year old kid in my neighborhood set you up with a cryptic currency wallet?
And you're buying PALLETS of cat food on the Deepest Darkest Web?!
MA:
(giddy)
Oh yes, and I'm investing in all kinds of things... Spitcoin, Efeareum, the schlockchain, even NFTS. I have a very diversified portfolio.
TOMMY:
(incredulous)
NFTs?!
MA:
(giddy)
Oh yes... I just invested a FORTUNE in CrypticKitties
TOMMY:
(gulping visibly)
A "FORTUNE" on.. what did you say they were..?
MA:
(annoyed)
CrypticKitties! CrypticKitties! Don't you know what "null-fungible tokens" are?!
TOMMY:
My mother is gambling away my inheritance on NFTs!!
MA:
Oh for crying out loud!
MA:
Besides, if you and your brother can't learn to get along...
MA:
... I'll leave my entire estate to Pierre!
Tammy enters the kitchen just in time to find Tommy stumbling into the kitty litter box ...
TAMMY:
(stunned)
Whaaa..?
TOMMY:
Don't ask!
MA:
(mournfully)
Well, that's where your entire inheritance will be going...
Tommy looks at Ma quizzically.
MA:
into the cat food dish and the litter box...
MA:
if you and your brother can't learn to get along.
MA:
(clucking sadly)
What a shame... brothers... and TWIN brothers at that!
TOMMY:
FRATERNAL! Fraternal twins! Different egg!
TOMMY:
I hate how he has this need to "hold court". If he's not pontificating then he's bragging. And if he's not bragging then he's pontificating.
MA:
Well what he does in the bathroom is none of my business but I do wish you two would get along.
MA:
My Lord, and twins of all things...
TOMMY:
FRATERNAL! Different egg! Different egg!!
MA:
(giddy)
By the way, I'm going on a cruise.
Tommy visibly gulps
TOMMY:
How much money... uh, I mean, how long will you cost...uh, I mean, how long will you be gone?
MA:
As long as it takes to wait for my dreadful cousin Mathilda to leave town.
MA:
She'll be in town next week visiting other relatives, and she'll want to see this place and I don't want her here.
TOMMY:
But she co-owns this house with you. She knows you turned it into a Bed and Breakfast, right?
MA:
She knows it's a Bed and Breakfast, she just doesn't know it's a Bed and Breakfast for CATS!
MA:
As long as I am not here, she's not allowed to enter this property. That's because of all those legal shenanigans she tried pulling on me when your dad declared bankruptcy. So I have to be gone, and thankfully so, when she's in town.
MA:
And she's not allowed on this property when I'm not here.
TOMMY:
Don't be gone too long on your cruise.
MA:
(giddy)
Oh how sweet!
MA:
Well I'm GLAD you're going to miss me!
Ma suddenly develops a quiver in her voice and tears in her eyes...
MA:
Sometimes you just act so angry with me.
TAMMY:
(teasing quietly)
How cute. Little sonny boy will miss his mama.
Tommy responds through clenched teeth...
TOMMY:
The longer she's gone on her cruise the more of my inheritance she'll spend.
SCENE 5
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Littler walks in just as Leaza is unveiling a plate of cupcakes... Littler is giddy with anticipation!
LITTLER:
Well, well, well... what do we have here?
LEAZA:
(annoyed)
Don't get too excited...
LITTLER:
(drooling)
I'll do quality-control!
LEAZA:
You don't even know what "quality control" means!
LEAZA:
These are MY cupcakes. I made them. They are mine.
LEAZA:
I decide who gets them... or who doesn't...
Littler starts crying uncontrollably.
Tammy pokes her head in.
TAMMY:
(hissing)
And I am the one who paid for the cake mix...
TAMMY:
and the ingredients, and the oven to cook them in...
TAMMY:
and the electricity to run the oven...
TAMMY:
so let her have one... NOW!
Leaza glares at Littler.
LEAZA:
(glaring)
Okay, you won.
Littler reaches for the cupcakes.
LEAZA:
(emphatic)
Just ONE!
Littler scrutinizes the tray of cupcakes.
LEAZA:
(glaring)
Just one. If you touch it, that's the one you have to take.
LEAZA:
If you so much as BREATHE on it you have to take that one!
LEAZA:
One just one!
Littler is taking an agonizingly long time to pick a cupcake, much to Leaza's disgust and frustration.
LITTLER:
Hmmm.. should I choose the cherry one...
Leaza is seething in the background.
LITTLER:
Or the sprinkles...
Littler continues her internal debate...
LITTLER:
Should I get the pink one...
Leaza now has steam coming out of her ears.
LITTLER:
or the chocolate...
LEAZA:
Just pick one already!
A fly is buzzing annoyedly in the background.
LITTLER:
I think I'll take... mmmm
LEAZA:
(glaring)
Whatever you touch is the one you take!
Meanwhile the fly is still buzzing annoyedly in the background, circling the cupcake plate. Leaza has a flyswatter in her hand.
LEAZA:
(glaring)
Pick one now or I'm picking for you!
Leaza has the flyswatter in her hand, following the fly with her eyes.
LEAZA:
(giddy)
Stupid fly...
She looks at Littler.
LEAZA:
Hurry up!
Littler grabs a cupcake and holds it aloft as her prize
LITTLER:
(giddy)
Ta da!
Suddenly the fly lands on Littler's cupcake.
Leaza's failed death blow leaves bits of cupcake flying all over the place. Littler is screaming. Barley and Timmy race up.
LITTLER:
(sobbing)
Ewwww!
BARLEY:
There's a better way to deal with flies...
Barley attempts to entice the fly to fly out the window... to no avail.
BARLEY:
(pleading)
C'mon little guy...
Littler continues crying at the top of her lungs.
LITTLER:
(wailing)
Waaaaaaghhhhhh!!!!!
TOMMY:
That's not how to get rid of a fly. Let me show you what a "pro" does...
TOMMY:
(condescendingly)
I will show you how it's done.
Barley, Littler and Timmy look on in horror as their dad chases the fly with the fly swatter.
TOMMY:
(screaming)
KILL! KILL! KILL!!
TOMMY:
And THAT is how you deal with a fly... disgusting fly.